A chicken with its head cut off. This represents me during the first two days. Before this week I had never:
-pre-rounded on a patient
-written a progress note (also known as a SOAP note) on a patient
-"skeletonized" a note for my resident
-presented a patient on rounds
-scrubbed in on a surgery
-sutured real skin
-"Bovied" (I refer you to Wikipedia's explanation of electrosurgery...and if surgery doesn't gross you out, you could watch this tonsillectomy video...it actually isn't bloody and I feel like the only way to really understand is to watch. It's like a paint brush!)
-seen a surgical patient in clinic
-helped change wound dressings
Cancer. A poignant moment was being present when a woman was diagnosed with breast cancer. At least she was not surprised by her diagnosis. The mass on her breast was very obvious and had been present for some time because she was trying to avoid Western medicine. I really don't want to put any value judgments on this; while it is difficult for me to understand because it is a world in which I am now indoctrinated, I can also see the ways in which we often fail to make connections with patients and how a medical perspective is so alien to almost everyone, even highly educated people like this woman. It was really emotional to be present for a true life or death discussion with a vibrant woman who was making a clear, conscious effort to make the most out of her life and decide what was best for herself.
Surgery. Surgery. Surgery! It's so awe-inspiring to me. I get to work around 5:30 am and try to help write the notes and pre-round on my patient(s) before we round as a team (which means go to each patient's room and discuss their care and plan for the day) and then I start in the OR around 8am and go until around 5:30ish, then we round again on all our patients. I barely have time to eat peanut butter crackers in between surgeries but I don't even feel hungry most of the time - I try to remind myself to eat because I don't want to pass out or something. I remember yesterday I looked at the clock between surgeries and it was 3pm and I hadn't eaten anything since a small breakfast and I just thought "I guess I should eat even though I'm not really hungry..." My theory is that hunger just fades into the background when you're constantly moving around and helping out. My surgery rotation is my new weight loss plan. And I'm lucky that I'm on a service where I actually get to be involved in many of the surgeries so I'm rarely bored. And even after all this, I'm excited to be there. I'm excited to be intimately involved in this crazy thing that people trust us to do.
Anatomy = Beauty. The anatomy of a well dissected surgical field is just beautiful. I get that I'm kind of going into territory where my words maybe don't make much sense, but I just have to try to express it. It's just so amazing to see the inside of a body, how wonderfully crafted it all is.
Accomplishment. Maybe my residents are just super nice and are trying to make me feel good, but this week I feel like I succeeded at something. My resident yesterday told me I was a fast learner and I picked up how to help out with the notes and with the patients really quickly. He was impressed at how I was reading about my patients and about the surgeries and I was clearly trying to learn and to be helpful. Coming off last week where I just felt terribly mediocre and doubtful that I could ever stand out in a field of amazingly intelligent physicians, it was so nice to feel like I could be a sponge. I can contribute to the team and my hard work matters and I am where I'm supposed to be right now. My patients matter to me and I'm trying my best to be a humble servant to them.
Reality check. I'm realizing it's what I learn this year that will help form me into the physician I want to be. This is the only time in my life I will get exposure to a dozen different specialties and I want to learn as much as I can. My boards score may in part determine what I specialize in or where I go for residency, but it is what I do every day in the hospital during this year and every subsequent year that will make me into the doctor I want to become and will matter for all the future patients that I serve. I just met my new neighbor across the hall who is taking a gap year and when I told her I was a medical student, she said "wow!" It's so easy to forget that this sometimes painful reality used to be my big, seemingly-insurmountable dream.
This post was a lot more serious than I originally intended. Here's a picture of my cat, Gracie Lou Freebush, to make up for it:
Translation: "First Aid doesn't matter! I matter!"
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