playing doctor

In an earlier post I mentioned a professor who said we were officially med students once we'd taken our first exam. I disagree - I think the first time we will be medical students is tomorrow. Tomorrow we have our first "SP" - standardized patient. I know, I know - talking to an actor pretending to be a patient does not make me a real doctor. But I've taken exams before - never before have I walked into a room wearing a white coat, asked someone very personal questions, and then examined them.

I think it will be kind of fun. Although I'm certain watching the video of the whole interaction will not be so fun. Tomorrow I get a glimpse of what my life will be like someday - not a classroom, not studying power point slides - interacting with people on a very personal level to figure out what's happening inside their body. Some of my classmates are freaking out because they labelled this an "exam" on the schedule. I'm just excited about being a little closer to becoming a doctor.

Sorry if anyone found this cheesy. I will try to make fun of my sincerity tomorrow.

midterm rant

I don't even want to write about medical school. I just took four exams in five days and I only started studying for one of the exams before this week. It's over now, but I'm still stressed. I've been trying to watch TV but I keep thinking "Wait should I be studying right now?" Because literally that's all I've done for almost the past 2 weeks. I realized one day I studied from 10:30am-6:30pm straight, only pausing once to microwave a lean cuisine. And then I studied while I ate it.

I passed two exams for sure! I guess I should take solace in that. But even that does not feel like a victory, just a relief. I was petrified the whole week of having to retake them. The point is, I learned the following:

1) I hate cramming
2) I need to balance my life better (meaning increase the studying/fun ratio) so that my next round of tests isn't so hellish
3) You know that line that separates sane from insane? None of us are as far from that border as we imagine.
4) I still like my Macbook Pro
5) If you don't have time to go to the grocery store, you should buy almond milk. It doesn't go bad as quickly. And it's tasty.
6) I'm smarter than I've ever given myself credit for.
7) Medical school isn't supposed to be fun all the time (even during first year, all you second years who gave me nostalgic advice). Why did I believe this lie?

And with that, have a good weekend. I know I will!

long time no blogging

I know it's been a long time since I posted. I'm sorry. I knew this would happen, but I'm trying to prevent it by posting now.

Major updates:

1) I passed my first anatomy exam! Yay. As we were walking out of the exam, one of the professors said "You are now officially medical students." I thought "I want to take a nap."
2) My birthday was awesome. I am now a year older and grateful for my amazing friends and family. I wish I could go on about how much my new medical school friends and my old faithful friends impressed me with their love and generosity, but that would get mushy... Suffice it to say that while medical school/life gets challenging sometimes, my birthday reminded me what an amazing support system I have.
3) I have four exams this week. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And I have procrastinated studying for every single one of them way more than I should have. But what's done is done - I had fun over the past couple of months, and now I will scramble to study for what seems like forever. All I can do is plan to be more forward-thinking in the future. I will still pass (cross your fingers) and I will not have a melt-down (cross your other hand's fingers).

Don't worry, I'm just being (a little) dramatic. P = MD!

little things

Today, two things made me happy: 

1) A bunch of plastic tags labeling body parts.

2) Doing nothing productive after 6pm.

Something made me sad:

1) I can't remember the last time I did nothing productive after 6pm. 

So for anyone who is still hung up on the tagging body parts thing: I like cadaver lab again! One of my anatomy partners had the brilliant idea to order plastic zip-tie labels to identify all the structures we have dissected in our body. Perhaps this sounds disgusting (to non-med people) or "gunner-like" (to med people), but seeing the vasculature of the abdomen as a beautiful labeled web instead of a mess I have to memorize reaffirmed how much the body amazes me. 

Also, I made myself take the night off. I am embarrassed to admit how many times I had to tell myself that I wasn't allowed to go back to school to study. I went to yoga, cooked dinner, read a book, watched Modern Family (oh that show makes me so happy). Now I'm blogging. 

Why don't I do this more often? I got into "busy mode" where it felt odd to do anything but go from one thing to the next. I forgot how sitting around doing nothing centers me. It's amazing how quickly I forgot.  

you know you're in medical school when:

1. Your partner at ballroom club tells you to put your hand on his inferior deltoid.
2. You talk about dissection at dinner and everyone keeps eating.
3. Wearing a white coat makes you feel "pretty."
4. A joke about the protein "map kinase kinase kinase" (I can't make this stuff up) is the best joke you've heard all week.

More to come... I think I'm going to make this an occasionally regular thing. Unfortunately all the things that struck me when I first started seem entirely normal to me now. Med school is making me weirder.

fairy tale

And now, my medical school fairy tale has come to a close. Don't get me wrong, I've been busy up until this point, but busy being social. Every week day has been celebrated by a party at some point (including Monday). I have gone to ballroom club and yoga club. I have "studied" while hanging out with people. I have gone to class (most of the time), learned some interesting things, and met some awesome people.

And now real life sets in. Our first test is in two weeks, so everyone is beginning to gear up for that. Our elective classes are starting, so we have class after 3 pm sometimes (who does that? wow how my view of life changed so quickly after undergrad). Also, I was under the false impression that extra-curricular activities would only occur during lunch. Suddenly we have meetings in the afternoons/evenings almost every day. The happy-go-lucky stage of meeting everyone is over, so now relationships are getting more complicated. I have a cough and some sort of cold (which I can't diagnose in spite of my six-ish weeks of medical education). I can't hear the splitting of the S2 heart sound on myself, or anyone else for that matter. I can't find my point of maximal impulse - which is apparently somewhere under the left breast - and I feel ridiculous trying to feel myself up to find it.

I am tired and a little overwhelmed. Sorry for making you read my self-pity. Well, I guess I didn't make you read it, so sorry if you're sorry you did.

white coats

Yesterday a classmate went to volunteer for a free health screening, where medical students (who know nothing) are allowed to take blood pressure, blood glucose levels, and calculate BMI. While volunteering, he met a woman in the "morbidly obese" category and told her that she should lose some weight. Immediately she began asking him questions like "What should I eat to lose weight?" "What diet should I go on?" etc. He was astounded that when he puts on that white coat, people believe he knows something, and trust him to give good advice. A simple garment creates what they call a "fiduciary relationship" based on mutual respect and trust. Not that the relationship is determined only by the white coat - but there is an inherent difference between being an undergrad, shadowing and "wanting" to be a doctor, and a medical student, who will be a doctor. Somehow suddenly we are different.

The privilege of that power is intimidating. At this point in medical school it feels like all the tangibles matter more - the sequence of the branches off the aorta or how g-protein cascades work - but there are moments when I realize becoming a physician is more about the intangibles. It's more about the unique relationship I will hold with my patients. I hope I continue to hold on to that.