weekend? I'm confused

Today I slept in until 8am (which feels very late after waking up at 5:30ish all week)! I laid in bed for a while playing candy crush on my phone, then I did yoga, took a shower, played candy crush again while watching 30Rock, walked a few blocks to my favorite coffee shop to buy coffee beans, and when I got back to my apartment it still wasn't even noon yet! Who are you weekend? Have we met before? You feel too much like vacation. I don't even know what to do with myself.

Ok, so I know my weekend activities aren't really what is interesting about my life, but the whole phenomenon of having a weekend is very strange to me. The first two years of medical school my weekends went something like this:

Wake up, study, eat, study, planned activity that usually involves eating so you feel less guilty for taking a break, study. Sleep, repeat.

I know, I'm exaggerating a little. I still occasionally participated in fun weekend-y activities like beer fests or brunch or going out every once in a while, but I really can't remember a Saturday where I woke up without an alarm and didn't have a huge amount of things on my to-do list. I feel like a real working person, even though I still can't quite nudge the nagging thoughts out of my head - "shouldn't you be studying Chelsea? I'm sure you should be doing something productive right now - like studying! Study!" I decided to ignore them for today - however, now I have no idea what to do with myself.

So enough about that. I'm sure you'd rather hear about my experience this week in the hospital. It's really difficult to use words sometimes after learning what often feels like a whole new language. As cliche as that is, it's happening to me! I have to think really hard not to use weird words or expressions that have already become commonplace.

On anesthesia I am assigned to a different service with a different resident every day, so my life is always changing. The only thing that doesn't seem to change are my aching feet. I'm so glad I started off on a "easy" rotation because working from 6:30am to 4pm this week exhausted me. Most of the time we are standing. Going from having to sit very still at a desk all day to standing all day wearing weird orthopedic shoes while being quizzed, trying to perform procedures that you have never done before, and constantly trying to be helpful and look interested when you have no idea what the hell you are doing is a whole new kind of crazy.

But it really is awesome. So far I've already placed 5 IVs (4 of them were asleep, but it still counts!), tried to intubate three times (maybe I'll be successful next week!), learned how to hook up EKG leads, learned a lot about medications, watched 3 epidural placements, gone to 8 lectures and held a scared patient's hand. I've been sprayed in the eyes with lidocaine (accidentally of course) and I've gotten maybe 30% of the questions that I've been asked right, so I feel stupid pretty consistently, but all my residents so far have been nice and genuinely interested in teaching me. The amount of knowledge I could gain is so vast, and even though I try to read about what I'll be doing the next day I'm mostly asked questions about things I've either never learned or learned and already forgotten. But I'm so happy I've finally reached this stage in my training. Even though the days are exhausting and I am certain there will be many harder days (and nights) in the coming year, I cannot wait to transform into a person who might actually someday deserve to be called doctor.

ending and beginning

Well, it has been 40 weeks since I last posted. Many things have happened since then, so here are some highlights:

 -   Took (and passed!) the equivalent of around 20 semester-long science classes.

 -   Took (and probably...hopefully...can't know soon enough if I passed) the longest and reportedly hardest of my boards exams, the infamous USMLE Step 1. (Yes, they can't just give us one exam, with a catchy name like "the bar" or something; we get to take 3 "baby" steps!) The actual test consisted of 8 hours of misery and over three hundred multi-choice and multi-media questions... To give you just a preview of what my studying looked like: I did over 2,000 practice questions and read the 400 page prep book approximately three times. I also watched about 70 hours of videos explaining pathology. In the last three weeks I was studying 8-10 hours per day and still didn't feel like I was accomplishing enough. Laying it out like I just did makes it seem like I did a lot - but believe me I am not being overly modest or something when I tell you that at least half my classmates studied much harder than I did. The importance of this score is that it basically determines your residency placement - either whether or not you can get a competitive residency or maybe if you would be able to get into the top programs in your specialty choice, even if it's not considered "competitive."

 -  After 19 years of dedicated classroom learning, I am leaving the classroom behind. Do you think my butt will start to look different?

 -  I am now going to live in the same location for two years in a row for the first time since going to college. Is this what growing up feels like? Sitting in air conditioning instead of moving boxes in 100 degree heat... If so, this adulthood thing is growing on me.

 -  My brother got married! I now have a new and wonderful sister-in-law. I am so happy they live in the same city as me so I get to hang out with non-medical students every once in a while. I would probably go insane if it wasn't for them and my weekly session watching Dance Moms with a good friend.

 -  I failed to blog... I guess my life just seemed insanely boring/depressing and I just didn't feel like blogging about my giant never-ending to-do list. But I am starting back up because now I get to do exciting things like: talk to people! walk around all day! do procedures! look things up that might actually help someone!

 -  I received a pager! I can't figure out how to use it and someone had to tell me that my pager number was on the back, but knowing how to work it doesn't matter right? I have a pager! Page me maybe...?

Well, if I haven't lost all my faithful readers (aka my family and a few friends when I bug you), hopefully you are in for a treat this year. I get to interact with people! While the hours will be long and there will still be plenty of tests and studying to keep me busy, I am finally getting to the part of my training that hopefully will make all this worth it!

Let me try to explain my schedule to you. I'm starting off with surgery! I will also be explaining things as I go along so hopefully this will make more sense later. Third year is the year where we're supposed to be exposed to the most things and make a decision about what specialty we would like to pursue.

• Surgery (12 weeks total) - big test called a "shelf" at the end
• Surgical subspecialty (4 weeks) - Anesthesia! (pretty excited because the hours are beautiful - I'll tell you more about it in a post soon)
• General Surgery (4 weeks) - Endocrine/Oncology
• Musculoskeletal (4 weeks) 
• "Wild Card" (12 weeks)
• Elective - Radiology
• Neurology
• Psychiatry
• OB/GYN (6 weeks) - shelf at the end
• Pediatrics (6 weeks) - shelf at the end
• Medicine (12 weeks total) - shelf at the end
• Cardiology
• Ambulatory (fancy word for "outpatient")
• General hospital floor

So I've packed the pockets of my white coat (which basically serves as hold-all/lunchbox/professional attire all at once) and I start my birth by fire tomorrow!

hide the crazy

Three weeks into second year, and already it is "exam time." I have three exams this coming week - Pharmacology, Intro to Pathology, and Ear/Nose/Throat (also known as Otolaryngology).

Things that have amused me about second year:
1) My friends like to bake to de-stress = lots of goodies for me lately
2) The first years think I know things. This makes me giggle on the inside.
3) I recently adopted two kittens, Gracie and Boo. Gracie had surgery for a patent ductus arteriosus before I adopted her - and I actually know what this is and how to treat it in human babies!
4) My friend and I started working out every day at 7am - jogging every other day, doing yoga the opposite days. I never knew that mornings could actually be enjoyable! Crazy. Also I love seeing people in workout clothes throughout the day, and rather than thinking "I should do that later" I now get to think "I already did that today!"
5) A guy in my class asked during the breast cancer lecture if there was breast tissue connecting the two breasts - now we all know who's never gone to second base...

Things that have not amused me about second year:
1) Lectures last all day long, and then, being a leader of Christian Medical Association and the OB/GYN Interest Group, in addition to having a life, means my master plan of just working every day until 6 or 7pm, like a normal person with a job, is not going to cut it this year.
2) One of my cats pooped in my laundry basket. I had to do emergency laundry at 1am when I got home from studying on a Friday night. Maybe adopting the kittens wasn't the best idea...
3) I realized dating during medical school is apparently really hard... and I kind of doubt it gets easier. I now reference Scrubs: Hide the Crazy
4) Grades. Remember when I complained last year about how I lacked motivation and just wished I could be graded? I take it all back, I'm a heinous liar.

Oh good. My pros outweigh my cons. Thank you to the boy in the front row of lecture.

second year

Ways in which my life will change tomorrow:

1) I will now rate everything in life by honors/high pass/pass/fail. And by life, I mean school, and by school I mean what will now be my life - the reasoning's a little circular. It's strange, going from a year of pass/fail back to being graded again, but I'm honestly kind of looking forward to it. I feel like an elementary school student who just wishes she could receive her "Music" and "PE" grades in letter grades instead of "superior" and... Hmm I don't remember what the other options were. "Excellent"? "Inferior"? "Tries hard but still can't sing/catch a ball"? 

2) I will cease complaining about being bored and commence complaining about having no time to be bored. 

3) I have to start calling myself a "second year medical student" which means admitting that I might know something about medicine. I'm a little scared.

4) I will be more well-rested (in theory) because our classes start 30 minutes later than first year! (I guess I could also just not go to class and get plenty of rest... but the theory is still a really nice thought.

Not sure what else will happen this year. But I'm about to go to orientation - maybe I will find out! 

summer

If nothing else, this summer has proved that I am an unfaithful blogger. So I will write a summary post here, and yet again promise to blog more often.

I spent this summer doing a "primary care preceptorship" which I prefer to call "Shadowing Version 2.0" or "Being a 3rd year with a good excuse not to know anything". For the past eight weeks I have mostly worked with a pediatric hospitalist, but I also spent a couple weeks at non-for-profit pediatric clinic. A pediatric hospitalist is a doctor who has done a pediatric residency who, instead of going into an office setting or specializing further, works in multiple different hospital settings. It is a relatively new specialty. I mostly spent time in the newborn nursery and the emergency room. I shadowed a number of different hospitalists and asked them all "what made you decide to be a hospitalist?" and the answers were always surprisingly similar - more flexible hours and you don't have to deal with the business side of medicine as much. Some doctors mentioned how they like dealing with the sicker kids but didn't necessarily want to specialize.

What I love about pediatricians, though, is that if you love kids, they will love you. I've always loved working with kids, and this summer has persuaded me that I would love doing pediatrics. You may be surprised to hear this, but kids smell way better than adults! In spite of the poop, pee and vomit, kids always seem to be cleaner. And their shampoo smells nicer. When I say adult, you may be thinking of yourself, and you may be saying "I shower every day!" Well, I hate to break it to you, but the few adults I met in the hospital over the past year did not smell very good. I'd take a poopy diaper over an adult who hasn't showered in a week any day.

I'm not set on it or anything - don't worry, I'm keeping my mind open! - but for most specialties, you can generally choose between adults or kids, and I definitely choose kids. Yay one choice down.

The other thing this summer did is give me hope. The first year of med school was hard for me. I didn't feel any passion for my classes. I struggled to create a life that kept me inspired and made me want to get out of bed in the morning. But this summer was wonderful - I loved being in the hospital, I loved working with the babies, I loved reading about diseases in between patients. I really loved wearing scrubs all the time. And I felt confident - I felt good about what I was doing. One of the highlights of my summer is the other day when my preceptor told another doctor that he thought I was operating on a third to fourth year level. It is really encouraging to know that while doing well on these stupid tests and paying attention in the classroom may be a struggle for me, I have the potential to be really good at what I will be doing for the rest of my life (after this year). I hope I can keep that in mind as I try to learn a terrifying amount of knowledge over the next ten months. I hope I can remember that the more I learn (and truly ingrain, rather than memorize in the short term for a test) the better I can serve my future patients.

cross one specialty off

Quick update - the past four weeks have been great. Spring break was relaxing and spending time with my family was fun. I stayed pretty relaxed even after Neuro block started - took a few naps, read a few books, went out a little too often. I thought neuro block was awesome - until this week, when I finally forced myself to study seriously for our exam tomorrow. And this is what I get! Do those arrows look like they are pointing to anything to you? They don't even look like blobs to me. Fun fact - there is a part of your brain, in the visual cortex, that scientists have named (rather accurately I think) "blobs" and "interblobs." I wish I were kidding.

I thought this picture from a practice exam best illustrated my pain. Let's just leave it with I will never become a neurosurgeon...

marathon

Never have I spent so many days in a row studying until midnight. I began on Sunday, March 11 and tomorrow night will be my last hurrah before Immunology on Friday morning. My earliest night was 10:30pm, my latest 2pm. I never knew I had such stamina, but I guess you just do what you have to do. My roommate probably only knows I exist from the daily coffee grounds I leave in the coffee maker. I have learned a lot though - I now know how to diagnose myself with study-induced Prader-Willi Syndrome, a genetic disorder where people suffer from insatiable hunger, so much so that they will literally eat garbage. Hehe, sorry if you don't find this joke funny. In my study-induced stupor, I find it hilarious.

Things that made these past two weeks better:

Seoul Taco Food Truck coming to the medical campus on Monday. If you have never had a Korean taco, your life is even sadder than mine has been lately.

The website http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com. The "random" button has provided me with endless entertainment.

My friend pronouncing me to be "kebodoctor."

Gchat. It, sadly, reminds me another world exists outside the med school.

This beautiful weather. Although it is a little warm for my taste, it makes my walk to school wonderful each day.

Coffee. Coffee. Chocolate. Coffee. I finally drink it black.

My friends. Aw that's a little sappy, sorry.

I apologize for my long blogging hiatus, but hopefully this post made up for it a little bit...?